Top Ten Ways to Write a Wildly Successful, Moneymaking Book

10) Hire a ghostwriter.

 

9) Find a really obscure piece of work or maybe a free eBook on Amazon with no reviews and plagiarize it. Don’t forget to move the words around a bit and add some of your own stuff.

 

8) Choose a classic novel and transcribe it verbatim. You won’t be able to release it but would have written it, technically.

 

7) Get to know an author who is either well known or talented but still budding. Become close friends and gain access to their home or office. Make this person “have an accident”. Steal their latest manuscript. The more famous the better the cover-up will have to be so plan accordingly.

 

6) Lure in publishers with the charm you possess as a confidence man. Get them to give you huge advances with constantly promising the next great American novel. Don’t ever deliver and head for Cancun once the money starts to dry up. You won’t have actually written anything but it’s all about the payday anyways, right?

 

5) Write a cookbook.

 

4) Compile lists of things about famous people by following (insert any celebrity blog or website) and turn it into a book. Knowledge about public figures like that isn’t copyrighted but for some reason incredibly popular.

 

3) Come up with a catchy title. Base an entire self-help book around it.

 

2) Kidnap James Patterson.

 

1) Go to school. Spend hours and hours of your time in front of a blank screen. Brainstorm. Outline. Draft. Redraft. Throw that all out. Start over. Start a blog. Hate the blog. Start another blog. Write everyday of your life even when you hate it so much you want to scream. Hate yourself. Love yourself. Hate your writing. Love your writing. Find people to feed your ego. Tell them to fuck off. Sit down and type. In the morning and the evening and the middle of the night. Basically put in the time. “Just sit down at a [computer] and bleed.” (Hemingway)

 

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